BEOWULF, A LESS THAN REVERENT FIRST IMPRESSION

You've heard of Beowulf. There was Scyld, the babe in the boat. He
grew up to be a great guy, and he had descendants who were great
guys. Now, the reigning king of the Danes, Hrothgar built the
biggest hall in the world and threw a marvellous house warming
party. Then this brute of a gate crasher arrved gobbling up the
guys in the hall. Nobody could stand up to Grendel the Monster.

Now, this went on for twelve years, this Grendel creature coming to
Hrothgar's hall to dine on Danish warriors. Beowulf, the Geatish
warrior heard of it and figured he'd go and help out Hrothgar. He
got fourteen guys to go with him. They got in a dragon ship, sailed
for two days and arrived in Denmark.

A guard saw them land. He challenged them. "Hey, you there, who are
you? You're not pirates, are you? I've never seen such a heroic guy
as your leader."

"My dad was Ecgtheow, a mighty one before he died; I came to help
out with the monster."

"Super! You'll find the king at the biggest hall in the world. It's
a glittering gold building. Just to make sure you don't miss it,
I'll go with you and show you the way."

"Hey, who are these guys in the clanging shiny armour? I've never
seen so many brave guys coming to Hrothgar's place."

"I'm Beowulf. Let me tell the king why I'm here."

"Hey, Hrothgar there are some guys here that look like warriors. I
think you better have a word with them. Their leader calls himself
Beowulf."

"Beowulf. I bet he's here to help with the monster. Show him in."

"Hi, Hrothgar. I heard about that monster. Some guys back home
thought I could help you out. They saw me kill a whole family of
giants. I've been told no weapon can hurt your monster. No problem.
I'll take it on barehanded."

"Gosh, Beowulf, you can't imagine how rough I've had it. I'd get a
hallful of warriors in here, fill them with good drink, hear their
heroic boasting, go to my room to sleep, and when I woke up the hall
would be full of bodies."

Spake Unferth, "Beowulf's not so hot. I hear he can't swim as fast
as Beca."

Retorted Beowulf, "We weren't racing. When we were kids, we went for
a swim. I swam for five days. I'd brought my sword along in case we
bumped into any whales. It sure came in handy. There were lots of
sea monsters. I killed nine of them. Who'd you ever kill, Unferth,
other than your brother?"

In came the queen looking queenly and the princess came bearing a
cup. When she reached Beowulf, he said, "I'll either be a hero here
or die trying."

Spake Hrothgar, "Okay, time for bed upstairs. Beowulf and his men
will handle the monster."

Night had fallen. The monster came and broke open the iron barred
gates. It found one guy still sleeping and gobbled him up. It saw
Beowulf lying there and went for him. That was its big mistake.
Beowulf grabbed that monster's arm and wouldn't let go. They fought
all over the hall smashing the gold encrusted benches. The whole
place shook and the Danes were afraid it would be smashed flat, but
it was held up with iron clamps. The monster screeched like the
demon it was. The Danes were really scared, but not Beowulf, the
strongest guy in the world. His friends were hacking away at it with
the best swords in the world, all to no avail. Beowulf, though,
yanked its arm off. It fled bleeding.

Next morning Danes came from near and far to follow its bloody trail
to a lake and celebrate its demise. They whooped it up. A bard sang
how Beowulf was just like Sigemund dragon-slayer.

Spake Hrothgar, "Beowulf, you're a great hero whose deeds will live
forever."

"Thanks, but too bad the body's gone. All we've got's the arm."

Now the mead flowed. Treasure poured, too. Hrothgar gave bejeweled
sword, impressive helmet, corselet, eight horses with gold
embroidered bridles, a golden banner to Beowulf and other wealth to
Beowulf's men, as well as compensation for the warrior who'd been
gobbled asleep, after the hall's gates had been smashed open.

Bards sang Finn's Saga, how King Finn died in his hall, slain by
those who could not forget the death of their leader at Finn's
hands.

More treasure poured into Beowulf's hands, including the best neck
torque in the world. Beowulf later gave it to his uncle, the Geatish
King Hygelac who was wearing it when the Franks killed him.

There were cheers, drinking joyful mirth making. Then everyone went
to sleep. The gate was smashed again and here stood the monster's
mother. She came for vengeance and slew Aeschere, Hrothgar's
counsellor.

Beowulf promised to avenge Aeschere. Unferth gave Beowulf a fabulous
sword, Hrunting. Hrothgar led a force into the fens in pursuit of
Grendel's mother. They found a lake with serpents swimming in wild
array. Beowulf slew one with an arrow, then grappled with the mother
underwater in her den. She struck at him with her knife. Beowulf's
sword Hrunting failed to bite. Then he beheld an old giant-fashioned
blade hanging on her wall, grabbed it and hewed. She bled. His sword
melted completely from her venom.

Blood swirled in the water and the human warriors trudged sadly away
thinking Beowulf dead. Shoreward he swam hefting Grendel's head and
four men could barely carry it.

Hrothgar threw another party.

Beowulf spake: "It was a tough fight. Luckily that giant sword was
hanging on the wall. Avenged you are and need not dread the night."
Then they examined that giants' sword with its runic account of the
doings of giants.

Hrothgar spake: "You're a great humble hero, Beowulf, a really
different kind of guy from Heremond of old, who got mad when drunk
and killed his drinking buddies. He didn't give rings. He was too
proud and got what he deserved. Don't be like him."

Then they all went to welcome sleep. On the morrow, Beowulf gave
grateful Unferth back Hrunting.

Spake Beowulf, "King Hrothgar, I've had lots of fun here, but it's
now time to go home. Happily, I'll come back if you're ever bothered
again. If your son wants to visit, he'll find lots of friends
waiting for him."

Spake Hrothgar: "Beowulf, you're a great guy. You should be king of
the Geats someday."

The guard waved good-bye as Beowulf and his men boarded their ship,
hauling all the treasure Hrothgar had given them.

Home sailed the hero and to the hall of King Hygelac he went. The
king of the Geats was eager for his news.

"Lots of guys now know how I avenged the Danes slain by Grendel. I
went to King Hrothgar's hospitable hall, where queen and princess
passed around tasty goblets. The princess is a pledge of peace
between Danes and Heathobards. They had quite a feud going and I
doubt it's over.

"As to Grendel, he came into the hall that night, gobbled up
Hondscioh and then made for me. He was wearing a trollish glove. I
jumped up and yanked his hand off. He fled. There was a party and
Hrothgar lamented his lost youth. Then came the monster's mother
slaying Aeschere the counsellor. She dragged the body off behind a
waterfall. I went after her and cut her head off. Look at that
boar's-head standard and all this other fine stuff, including armour
and horses, I got. They're for you. And here are gifts for the
queen."

King Hygelac gave a sword and land in return.

Later, Beowulf was king of the Geats and ruled to a ripe old age,
when a thief to a burial mound stirred a dragon. The dragon's flame
burned up Beowulf's hall. He soon heard about that and decided to go
after that dragon. First he had an iron shield made, for he knew
that a wooden one wouldn't be much good against a dragon.

Beowulf didn't need an army to fight that dragon. He was a hero.
He'd swum home, after King Hygelac was killed in Friesland, and
Beowulf was carrying thirty armoured corselets as he swam. He had
fought against the Swedes. So, he only took eleven other guys with
him against the dragon. They forced the thief, the thirteenth guy,
to lead them to its lair.

Spake Beowulf: "Ah, youth. When I was seven, I was the foster son of
the Geat King Hrethel. He had three sons. Alas, one accidentally
killed his brother. The third, Hygelac, became king. Then there was
fighting with the Swedes. They lost. I was a great champion when I
was young. I slew the Frankish standard bearer with my bare hands.
Now, I'll face the dragon alone. You watch.

Beowulf strode forward and shouted. The dragon emerged spewing fire.
Beowulf's shield protected him, but his sword failed, bouncing off
the dragon's scales. His men ran for the woods, all but one. Wiglaf
Weohstansson drew his famous sword and rushed to help. The dragon's
breath burned his shield. He dashed behind Beowulf's. Beowulf swung
his blade, Naegling, which shattered. The dragon sank its fangs into
Beowulf's neck. Wiglaf struck a blow. The great hero struck the worm
with his sharp dagger. It died from the twin blows.

Beowulf dying spake: "I wish I had a son to succeed me. Bring some
of the treasure here."

Into the mound of the forgotten ancient dashed Wiglaf, grabbed an
armful of the treasure, including a golden banner, and hurried back
to Beowulf.

"Awesome," spake Beowulf, when he saw it. "Now build me a mound, so
people will remember me forever."

The other guys came straggling back from the woods.

Spake Wiglaf: "Creeps. Beowulf didn't die from too many guys coming
to help. He died a hero and the beast lies dead. Now that he's gone
our neighbours, especially the Swedes, will likely come looking for
a fight. Now, Beowulf wanted us to build him a mound. Let's go and
bring out treasure for it."

They lost no time going into the mound and grabbing each what he
could. They carted it away. A pyre there was and a keening queen.
They built him a mound and a dozen men circled it singing him
praise.

Michael McKenny, February 22-23, 2003


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